Dealing with social anxiety (or whatever the heck that is)?
Hey,
I’m Marty and I’m 23 year old dude.
Don’t know how to start so…
I feel like crap!
For the past two years I’ve been chained by depression which has resulted in anxiety/panic attacks.
I’m failing university badly and I can’t find a girlfriend. And it’s all a vicious circle. Cause of depression, I can’t get myself to put on a happy face and meet women and I’m even more depressed when faced with the fact that I’m single.
Last night, a few friends and I went to a restaurant and I got a damn panic attack right there. No apparent reason… it just happened. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I became light-headed (hyperventilation probably) and sick to my stomach. Then this freaky fear of death… It’s like a huge wave that hits you with no reason whatsoever.
Went to the restroom and washed my face which made me feel a bit better, but I couldn’t finish my dinner. It wasn’t the first time it has happened, but now I feel I can’t go out anymore. And as I was trying hard to control it, I felt how everyone was staring at me thinking "What a freak! Just look at how he’s behaving".
It’s really getting the best of me. I never use to pout or be such a negative person, but now all I know is sadness, depression and self-pity. I feel that if I had a girlfriend to support me from time to time I can pull myself out of this, but no one would like a depressed guy that can barely drag himself.
I can’t walk up to girls, because inside I can see myself failing before even trying. Loneliness is a constant with me. I never seem to be able to connect to anyone that I like and want to make part of my life.
Waking up in the morning is no longer a joy, but rather disappointment that makes me go: Another day of "happiness" - ooorah!
The last couple of times I tried to hook up with girls ended pretty badly. And usually I wouldn’t care about minor things, but now I live through every loss as if it’s the end of the world.
Everyone keeps telling me that I’m still young and don’t have to worry about girls, but that’s a load of bull crap. All the guys I know have had several relationships by now and they seem content and happy.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here?
I feel your pain. And the reason most guys who have had several relationships and are happy is because they don’tt need the girlfriend/relationship to be happy. They are happy with themselves with or without someone else. So the key is to start with yourself. Most of depression is caused by negative thinking and thought patterns. The first step is becoming aware of these thoughts and realizing that they are keeping you down. Start to question these thoughts and ask if they are helping to make you more happy or more sad. If they make you feel more sad, let the thought go. Try not to focus on what youdon’tt have and how bad you feel. Start being grateful for what you do have and for what makes you feel happy. The more you start to focus on the good things, the more good things will start to happen to you. Figure out what activities make you happy and make time to do them. What people do you really get along with? Can you make more time to hang out with them? Or at least talk with them?I wont lie, it will take some time to change your thinking but it isdefinitelyy worth it. I can recommend 2 books to start you off, The 4 Agreements by Ruiz and The Secret. These are great and might seem cheezy at first but trust me they will start you down the right path. Take it from someone who was on the brink of going crazy and becoming suicidal, these books helped tremendously. Good luck, I hope this helps!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I think you should try and see a doctor who can perscibe you with beta blockers or some drug that can help with anxiety. I know how hard having social anxiety can be, but you should also try and go out as much as you possibly can, otherwise you will just isolate yourself from everyone and feel more depressed. Also try and see a counsellor or therapists and in terms of girls, don’t try too hard, I think that’s turn off. You don’t have to necessarily walk up to girls, just do your own thing and hopefully u can meet someone.
References :
September 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Ok Marty-you’ve admitted you have anxiety. It’s treatable with a doctors help and counseling. If you get that resolved first-then you might score a girlfriend. The medication really does help. Get that under control one way or another.
Then get some books on dating and conversation starters. Find some female friends or family members to practice talking to. Pick easy topics to discuss. Once you get comfortable carrying a conversation you can then move on to finding a girl you like and doing the same thing with her.
If you do what i suggest, things will get better! Remember this is a bump in the road and you are young- but not everyone is perfect and you might not realize these guys you think are so great and content might not really be that. Everyone has problems.
References :
September 24th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Even though you think that a girlfriend would make things better, it most likely will not. Stop focusing on getting a girl and start focusing on yourself. Maybe what you really need now is a good friend rather than a intimate relationship that could cause strain on your life.
You want to know what could really help you out? Get a psychologist. It does not mean that you’re crazy or that you’re different. Plenty of people suffer from social anxiety and they can deal with it because they have help.
Good luck.
References :
September 24th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I feel your pain. And the reason most guys who have had several relationships and are happy is because they don’tt need the girlfriend/relationship to be happy. They are happy with themselves with or without someone else. So the key is to start with yourself. Most of depression is caused by negative thinking and thought patterns. The first step is becoming aware of these thoughts and realizing that they are keeping you down. Start to question these thoughts and ask if they are helping to make you more happy or more sad. If they make you feel more sad, let the thought go. Try not to focus on what youdon’tt have and how bad you feel. Start being grateful for what you do have and for what makes you feel happy. The more you start to focus on the good things, the more good things will start to happen to you. Figure out what activities make you happy and make time to do them. What people do you really get along with? Can you make more time to hang out with them? Or at least talk with them?I wont lie, it will take some time to change your thinking but it isdefinitelyy worth it. I can recommend 2 books to start you off, The 4 Agreements by Ruiz and The Secret. These are great and might seem cheezy at first but trust me they will start you down the right path. Take it from someone who was on the brink of going crazy and becoming suicidal, these books helped tremendously. Good luck, I hope this helps!
References :
September 24th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I’d recommend that you seek professional counseling.
Dating troubles are harsh, but if you’re feeling depressed and having frequent anxiety problems, that’s really something you ought to get treatment for.
Getting women will be a lot easier once you succesfully deal with psychological problems.
I realize that it probably feels like having a supportive relationship would go a long way towards making you feel better, but as you probably realize, your problems are probably a significant part of what is preventing you from having such a relationship. They ought to be dealt with first.
References :
September 24th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Dude… you’re putting to much emphasis on girls!
Well, the fact that you are having these panic attacks are serious in themselves, but if you focus your days, your life, completely on forming relationships in a single day, then depression is sure to follow.
Forget about girlfriends for a moment. First, you have to focus on the most basic relationship: friendship. You can’t be a boyfriend before you learn to be a friend.
Take it slowly. You may not get much of anywhere when you venture outside and try, but the impressions you leave when you do will linger far after you have left. Meaning: your success does not necessarily depend on how you think you did.
1. You’re really depressed, about each failure, about each wasted chance. But there is something to salvage from each try! Don’t focus on "the fool you made out of yourself", but rather the effort you put forth. It sounds ultra lame, but you won’t fail forever.
2. Girls and girlfriends won’t make you happy. I mean, this applies to everyone. But it certainly doesn’t mean you should give up one everything. First, you need to be happy, and find a way out of the depression you are in. Get help! It sounds humiliating, but what does it matter if it helps you?
3. Looks can be deceiving. I can GUARANTEE that all of these guys that seem so content and happy have had their own issues, and probably still do. But don’t let that fool you into thinking that that is the only road to happiness.
And you’re right. The fact that you are young doesn’t mean that you have nothing to worry about, and you are very anxious now.
But you won’t find happinessin girls alone. If anything, they’ll annoy you, especially in the state you are in.
These things aren’t perfect.
Well… I hope this helped!
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September 24th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
It might be time to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for some help. Social workers have been helpful to people I know (myself included). There are medications which may be able to help you (with therapy) overcome your social anxiety. If it is really to the point where you are down so low, then please seek help. You can work to be the confident person you desire to be by identifying what is holding you back & learning how to deal with it. Everyone has felt fear, sadness & loneliness…it is part of life. If you cannot get it together with your regular support group (friends, family, faith), then seek help elsewhere. Just work on yourself for now & the rest will follow. When you get some confidence you can live as an attractive & desirable guy that women will want to know. There is more than one type of attraction. Surely you see different things in people than others do. The same is true of you. One girl might notice your eyes. One might notice your voice. Confidence is commonly seen as sexy. This is because you know that what you are made of is real.
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September 24th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Negative emotions (like sadness, stress, anger, etc.) causes your Serotonin production to be low; when your Serotonin level is low, you are more prone to getting Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depression, etc.
Medication like Antidepressants (SSRI - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) helps to boost Serotonin level.
But there are natural ways to do it without medication. There’s this strange herb called "St John’s Wort" - it is said to be more effective than Prozac. No, it is not for mild depression only and ignore those sayings. In fact, it does help anxiety and panic-attacks as St John’s Wort works like prozac. Other natural ways will be exercise, diet, more exposure to light, etc.
The problem is that, even if your Serotonin is balanced… you have that "learned behavior" in your mind. You need to break that initial cycle to destroy that learned behavior - Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) does this. A technique that you can use without CBT will be Distraction… There are several other techniques to help cope them!
Ok, to use Distraction: Firstly, try to….
Extracted from Source.
References :
http://PanicAttackResearch.blogspot.com